The 12 days of Christmas
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree.
What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle
doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. they are just
All my love, Agnes
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such
generosity. three french hens. they are just darling but I must insist....
you're just too kind.
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! they are beautiful,
but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each
finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those
squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps.
So you're back to the birds again, huh? those geese are huge. Where will I ever
keep them? the neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.
December 20th John:
What's with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of
goddam joke is this? there's bird shit all over the house and they never stop
the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT
FUNNY.......So stop with those fucking birds.
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids
a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but
they had to bring their own goddam cows. there is shit all over the lawn and I
can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ -
do they play. they never stopped chasing those maids since they got here
yesterday morning. the cows are upset are stepping all over those screeching
birds. No wonder they screeh. What am I going to do? the neighbors have started
a petetion to evict me. You'll get yours.
You Rotten Prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts ladies.
they've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep
and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. the commisioner of
buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be
condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it, Ag
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned
"ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. those pipers ran
through the maids and have been commiting sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the
birds are dead. they have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're
satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
(From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar)
this is to acknowledge your latest gift of tweleve fiddlers fiddling, which you
have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. the destruction,
of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you
should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the
attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please
find attached a warrant for your arrest.
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firstname.lastname@example.org - 1995