Ways to get rid of Blind Dates
(and other social catastrophes)
- At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the
impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for
- Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and
balance them in a tower on your table.
- Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
- Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
- Repeat every third third word you say say.
- Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your
high school yearbook.
- Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
- Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
- Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they
are talking about.
- Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms
outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
- Order a bucket of lard.
- Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier
venues that use linen tablecloths.
- Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.
- Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
- Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking
- Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
- When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
- Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than
- Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
- Eat everything on your plate within0 seconds of it being placed in front
- Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess
and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order
another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in
the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?"
- Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
- Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
- Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the
- Ask your date how much money they have with them.
- Order for your date. Order something nasty.
- Communicate in mime the entire evening.
- Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where
you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your
back to the wall. Act nervous.
- Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
- Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
- Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers,
silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table that isn't
- Hold a debate. Take both sides.
- Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
- Auction your date off for silverware.
- Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
- Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food,
hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you
"never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you,
have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
- Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
- Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use
good judgement in editing to twist their words around.
- Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
- Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just
- Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table,
throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist
that they just need airing out.
- If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one
- Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them
around the table in a circle. Chant.
- Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to
your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually
- Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
- Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill
the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
- Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar
vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no
one poisoned it.
- Accuse your date of espionage.
- Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
- Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
- Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.
- Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
- Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.
- Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
Back to Gerrit's Own Little Black Dimension!
firstname.lastname@example.org - 1995